Annals of Aging: the Golden Years

 Photo: me and my friend Charly Franklin, probably at Lisabeulah, many long years ago. It got inserted by accident and has nothing to do with the essay, but I like it, looking at us with dark hair and big smiles. Ah, youth. Well, middle age, I think.

It is my theory that the golden years are golden because of the urine we leak.

Do not pretend that you do not know what I’m talking about.

As we age, different parts of the body throw in the towel at different times, and the progression is different and unpredictable for everybody.

My knees, for example, did not write me a suicide note when they gave up, but that was a process that happened over several years.

When I was younger, I broke a couple of vertebrae in my lower back, and vertebrae do not heal back the way they were. I saw an x-ray, and I swear they looked like a jar of gravel. I am grateful that I can walk at all.

Mobility became harder. I went from a cane to a walker, and now, to a wheelchair.

The wheelchair is because my sense of balance has left the building, and I hope to avoid falling by not trying to walk. It is working so far. Haven’t broken anything since starting to use the wheelchair.

I cannot express how heartbreaking it was to discover I could not get myself up off the floor when I fell. I am independent, and stubborn, so I’m told.

I tried. Pushed my legs so hard with nothing happening until I gave up. I had to call 911 for a floor lift. For a while there I was a frequent flyer with the Fire Department EMTs.  

For the most part the EMTs were gracious, which I do not consider a given because I am obese. Not an easy lift. But they have ways of dealing with these things, and they got it done. Thank you, EMTs. You rock.

But getting back to the gold, incontinence is a common condition. For a lot of women, it began when we gave birth, so we have lived with this condition for a long time. A sudden laugh, a sneeze, a cough, running, standing up! So many things led to leaks, some larger than others. I started wearing pads and carrying spare pads and sometimes even spare underwear and pants when I was going to the mainland. You plan your life around it.

Sorry about the TMI. I would not be so generous with my sharing if I did not know that I am not the only one dealing with this. An inconvenient fact of life for so many of us is what it is.

I have heard that some people have been able to heal incontinence through surgery, or exercises to strengthen the pelvic floor. Not me, at least not yet. I am keeping the adult diaper companies in business.

They all advertise that they don’t leak, but my experience is that they do.

“Wouldn’t you like to wake up dry?” their ads say.

Boy, I sure would.

Darn. Nobody told me that old age would be like this. Wet. Golden.

When you are young, you want to live a long time. You cannot know or understand how different 77 is from 27. Things happen, not the least of which is your body aging naturally, and the accidents which hurry along your decrepitude.

So I say to you, brothers and sisters and gender neutrals, we are all in this together, though dealing with it individually.

And to those of you who are still high and dry: well, aren’t you lucky. Enjoy that.